It's about time I utilize this blog again. I've been thinking about writing here for weeks, but those thoughts usually occur while I'm driving to work or while I'm in the shower. Neither are very conducive to getting my thoughts out to the world.
So much has happened this year that I cannot even begin to describe it. Instead of filling you in on those things, I am here to write what's been on my mind recently. I have had a lot of self-reflection over the past few weeks: ending a relationship does that to a person. While I know that it was the right thing to do, I was left with not only thoughts, but doubts about myself as well. Was I not pretty enough? Did I demand too much? A lot of little things that I get nervous about increased tenfold when it happened. Just six months ago I was the happiest with myself that I've ever been in my life...so why are all these doubts creeping up on me again? So let's see if I can analyze myself a little bit in writing to help sort out the jumble of thoughts in my head. You guys know I like lists...well here goes one. And if it's negative towards me, then so be it.
1) I care too much.
- This is probably the biggest bullet point I'll have. When I meet people, I automatically want to know their life story. I want to see if I can find common ground with them. I want to know them. I care so much sometimes that it overwhelms people. Maybe it's just me, but I feel that in today's society we are trained to care less about others and more about ourselves and I don't know that I've ever fully understood why. Of course I am very selfish sometimes, but when it comes to emotional connections, I need to be able to be there for others. I like being able to pick up the phone and text about 10 different people and know that they will respond within an hour. I care so much that it gets to be detrimental. When I get to know someone I share as much as I can with them. It seems like I'm spilling my life story and trusting them with it right off the bat, but that is not the case. In reality, I'm telling them the simple stuff, the mindless stuff. When I truly let my guard down, that's when people start to back away.
2) I am too demanding.
- I know this about myself. With all of the attention I like, it's not surprising. I care so much, and I give so much, and I love my friends so much....I just like having attention back. And sometimes it's hard for me to realize that not everyone can handle that much of a person. I could happily spend all day with my friends and never be bored or unhappy, but people need space...and I'm not good at giving that. I've gotten better, but it usually comes down to the fact that I need so much from people that they just walk away because they can't give it to me. It leaves me wondering what I did wrong before I realize that I always do the same thing wrong. I'm too attached, too "there" for people.
3) I actually want love from others.
- Today's world feels that they have to work constantly in order to be any sort of comfortable. People think that they don't deserve true happiness. Well, I have seen more successful and happy marriages that have made it 50 years than most of my friends, and let me tell you, it's worth it. It's possible. People shouldn't have to worry about the person that they're with. They shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells to make sure that the other person is happy. When people become best friends, then decide to take that next step, that's when it makes sense. Relationships are supposed to be easy. And they don't just fall apart in one second either. There is a turning point and someone's mindset changes. In my world, the other person changes their mind. Things start off great, there are connections made, and then they back away. I end up being too childish, too needy, or just too there. And they don't want that. They want a challenge, or someone to demand attention from. They don't think they need love and affection. Well, I do. I need someone that cares about me just as much as I care about them.
- Why do people want a challenge? Why can't things just go smoothly and keep going smoothly? And why, at the end of the day, am I the one that is always left knowing that the potential was there and that I was the one to destroy it because I still cared?
4) I have potential.
- I don't see it yet. I don't think it right now. But I know I do. It's somewhere, and I have to dig around again to find it I guess. I bring a smile to peoples' faces every day, and yet when it comes to making myself smile, it's really hard.
**NOTE**: I would like to point out that throughout all of this, my work life is going extremely well. All of these bullet points have been on a purely emotional level. I have opportunities coming every day, and I take them. But I'm working on finding opportunities within myself.
5) I need to get out of my shell a little more.
- I know that I'm a girly girl who is a sucker for happily ever afters in all aspects of life. What I need is a reality check. Happily ever afters come from hard work and dedication. I will create my own if I must, but I need to remind myself of reality, even if that comes in the form of "manning up" and watching scary/action movies, listening to country music, or learning something new. I'm sick of being the girl that people take advantage of or the girl that is too nice. I need my protective armor back and I don't need anyone's help getting it this time. I will create a life that I deserve and I will make it so desirable that people will care again. Not because I need them to, but because I want to inspire others. And throughout all of that, I will still be there for them because I will still care. So there!
I think that's all I've got right now. I just really needed to get all of this off of my chest.
