Although I have a million other things I need to be doing, I woke up this morning with thoughts in my head that really just need to be out of my brain and into words.
Here's what I thought this morning when I woke up:
"Wow, I have soooooo much work I need to be getting done and no time or motivation to do it! And I'm doing a lot of work, so why can't I get more done? Where is my motivation? And why won't someone motivate me more? Oh....that's right...."
I used to have a motivator. I used to have a friend. So here's my question: why can't guys be my friends? They really only want one thing from me, whether it be a relationship or something more [or less, depending on how you look at it]. I need a guy friend. I enjoy hanging out with guys: they're less dramatic, they keep me grounded, and they could always have my back if I needed them to. But guys don't like just being my friend, and I don't know why. And no one can say it's because they have to have a crush on me, because I'm just not that great. There are a ton of prettier/more fun/awesome girls out there. I'm really nothing special in the grand scheme of things. So how do guys see me? Why do they all abandon me? Seriously, I thought that this semester was going to be the most productive semester ever because I was going to be friends with someone just as motivated and eager to push me as I was to them. And then I get left in the dust. It really kills a girl's self-esteem. What did I do to make you not even want to say hello to me anymore?
The funny part is that I've been more productive this semester than I have in a while, and it still just isn't good enough. Maybe it's because I'm an upperclassman now, maybe it's because the work is just harder; or maybe....maybe it's because I know it could've been ten thousand times better with someone to share it with. A friend that could be by my side just to work a lot, get the job done, have a good time doing it, and get to enjoy the rest of the day with. Ugh, but maybe that sounds like a relationship. I don't want a relationship. I want to have a good time while I still can. So why is my 'good time' being wasted because I keep fretting about grades and my to do list and all the things I could be doing?
I don't get it anymore. All I know is I feel alone, hurt, down on myself about it, and I wanted a friend here with me. I'll get over it now. There's no point in hoping for that to come back anymore.
Current song: 'Breathe Again' Sara Bareilles
Current bottle of water: 1 [it's 6:55am, I'm just getting started!]
