my non-Thanksgiving

Well hey there. How was everyone's Thanksgivings? Great? Great! I'm so happy for you all! I'm glad that everyone got to enjoy a day of fun, family, food, and football. Everyone, that is, except for me.

So. Thanksgiving. My family usually has turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, some kind of green vegetable, and lots of other stuff. Since I don't eat meat I end up eating the potatoes, the vegetable choices and the dessert. Well, welcome to this year, when all I ate was peas and olives. Yeah, you heard me right. They did turkey [that's fine. I can live without meat...obviously], sweet potatoes [gross], cranberry sauce [not so much], peas [I dealt], a relish plate[meh], and a random ass autumn pie thing. What the hell. My family is usually perfectly predictable. Why did they change it all up?! I got no yummy food, I got no say in the matter, and I had to deal with family making fun of me for not eating meat. It wouldn't bother me so much if I had a say in something and if my family accepted my choices. I choose not to eat most meats. I don't want them to deprive themselves on holidays, but they don't need to make fun of me. Yes, turkey is basically the same as chicken. No, I don't choose to eat it. Deal with it. I'm sick of standing up for what I do and don't like, and I'm sick of not being accepted for it.

I'm the complete opposite of my family. They are the typical Southern family. That's great. But I mean it when I quote Belle and say that I want much more than this [provincial] life. I know I'm different. I've survived being different. I want to get the hell out of here and live my own life. I want to be able to be myself. I want to be able to visit my family on occasion and really appreciate what I have. Being this close to them all the time makes me sick of them. I miss them when I'm gone. I love my family. But I hate that I have to hide myself from them because they wouldn't understand me. Fuck my life. I hate being a Debbie Downer. This is just a bullshitty day.

Current song-Fancy - Drake
Current bottle of water - 5

today

Well I got back officially from my trip today. I woke up at 6am with all of my clothes from yesterday still on and realized that I didn't remember anything after we had arrived at Jennie's house. Well....that was because I literally passed out on their guest bedroom bed, clothes and all. I was one tired puppy. I dozed again for another 3 hours and then had to move my car so Jennie's parents could go to work. After waking up myself and Madeleine, the three of us had breakfast and got ready for departure. Jennie's mom came back and played [Toy Story 3] Uno with us until Jennie was ready to lead us back to the interstate. After driving, talking, and singing with Madeleine for a couple of hours, we arrived home!!

I dropped of Madeleine, headed home, saw Frances at the apartments, took a shower, and headed over to Jeri's house to get the dogsitting duties. We ended up hanging out and talking for a few hours. I met all of her kids and her husband, and we literally had an awesome time just goofing off and chilling in random parts of their house. She has the best family, and I have the cutest dog to sit for!!!

After a few unexpected hours, I headed over to my friend Evelyn's house, and we ended up going to the grocery store for her to get cookie supplies! I got extremely hungry but I managed to control the hunger! The cookies weren't amazing, but we ended up having a nice chill girl night just talking about becoming more healthy and being good people. I hope that I get to see her more often because I've been so busy lately, and next semester isn't going to be much easier at all. But I want to make an effort to be friends with lots of different people because I'm the kind of person that likes to flit around to different things and experience tons of things instead of being stuck in one place all the time.

I ended up calling my dad really late and he was disappointed that I didn't call earlier to say I wasn't going to eat dinner with my family. I felt terrible because disappointing my dad is the worst feeling I get. Ever. He's my favorite person in the whole world and I hate that I let him down. And it's only going to get worse because my grades aren't going to be great this semester and he counts on me to be the strong child. Ugh. So I felt terrible about that but I ended up having a good day.

Tomorrow the plan is:
-clean my room, thoroughly
-try not to think about missing Orlando
-go to a gymnastics tournament with Evelyn
-see my family
-remind myself that Orlando is still coming soon
-start some homework
-ask Chase to help me pick out some Shakespeare
-force myself to stay away from the car so I won't drive to Orlando
-work on my audition song

I hope I end up completing those tasks successfully...

Current song: Accio Love-Ministry of Magic
Current bottle of water: 7

The best day of my life.

Well hello there, real world!!!

I have spent a day being a noob, a three year old, and the happiest person on the planet. Would you like to hear about it? OF COURSE YOU WOULD!!!

If you didn't already know, I'm in New York City for the first time in my life with my friends Madeleine and Jennie, as well as Jennie's parents. Let me start this off by saying that I am VERY grateful for Jennie's parents being here [and getting us free hotel and basically free plane] because they got us through the subway system, got us into Brooklyn, and basically were our tour guides for the day. And when we weren't with them, Jenna was. Jenna is my dance teacher Jeri's daughter and she goes to SAB [the School of American Ballet] and so she showed us around Lincoln Center and the area surrounding it. But really, let's start at the very beginning of the day.

First of all, we didn't even get in the city and go to bed until midnight-1am. We got to sleep and woke up at 8am to go downstairs for a free breakfast that included Belgian waffles, cereal, scrambled eggs, potato wedges...and let's just say I'm a breakfast fanatic so I was in heaven. After that we came upstairs and got ready for our very long day. We headed out to scope the town out for tomorrow's excursions. What we found was an ice skating rink in Bryant Park [we plan on doing that tomorrow], a fundraiser for citibank, and tons of cute little kiosks. The fundraiser was to benefit Toys for Tots, and we basically had a rock star photo shoot that donated at least $100 from citibank, and all we had to do was pose for pictures! I felt awesome about that, not gonna lie.

After heading away from Bryant Park, we traveled to the Times Square area which began my experience as a fangirl. We took tons of pictures, went inside the M&M store, saw a bunch of I <3 NY shirts [which we'll be buying tomorrow] and planned to see the Hershey's store and the huge Toys R Us tomorrow. We ended up taking my first few subway visits, the first was over to the Lincoln Center. Well, it was like 20+ blocks away from the Lincoln Center, but we got to walk to Central Park and see the front of the Museum of Natural History, so my sore feet can deal with that, alright?! We met up with Jenna who showed us her SAB dorms and the SAB building and then we headed to the Apple store, Urban Outfitters, pinkberry, american apparel, Trader Joe's, the North Face store, and this awesome store that Mukluks come from [awesome shoes that dancers wear over pointe shoes or when warming up their feet. I wanted some!!] It was really fun to walk around and see the city from the perspective of someone who lives there...the Trader Joe's was a hidden treasure. It was sooo cheap!

I was very good about not spending much money at all...until we got to our main event. We took the subway over to Brooklyn and headed to the Williamsburg Music Hall where the NEW YORK CITY WIZARD ROCK FEST was happening!!! Let me preface this by saying that I don't care what anyone thinks. I love the Harry Potter books, love that the movies have helped to make this such a huge franchise, and love the fandom that has come out of this entire experience. Oh, and I love that I get to be a part of it.

Anyway, we entered the building and headed downstairs to check our coats and see the vendors. We obviously saw Ministry of Magic, Remus Lupins, Whomping Willows, Justin Finch Fletchley, and the all the others. We were complete fangirls and got a ton of pictures with everyone. We bought merchandise [mine included a poster, a t shirt, a pre-ordered t shirt, and some other things] and even had some legit conversations with Alex Carpenter, Luke Conard, and Matt Maggiacomo. These guys are really down to earth and encouraging. I felt like I could talk to them easily although I still felt like a huge fangirl. We had a few of them help film some intros for our vlog collab channel. Luke remembered making a gift video for me this summer, Matt remembered taking pictures with us this summer, and Lauren Fairweather did because of a gift video as well. Even Jason Munday remembered us from Infinitus this summer. Basically, we were on top of the world. But wait a minute, we hadn't even listened/watched anyone play yet!!!

We headed back upstairs where we opened our night of music with Justin Finch Fletchley and the Sugar Quills. He was AMAZING to wrock out to. Actually, everyone we saw was. But he was really cool to see, and he really worked with the audience well. He ended up having memebers of Diagon Alley come out and help with his last few songs, which was really fun. After taking a break during some of Tonks and the Aurors and Swish & Flick, we headed back out to the main floor to see The Whomping Willows who was wonderful!! He's really good live, and I knew more of his songs than I thought I would which made me feel super special. He was accompanied by some of his friends at the end of his set which was amazing because as soon as Aaron Nordyke got on the drums, everyone started jumping up and down like crazy people and finished out his set with a bang! The Remus Lupins followed Matt with one of the most fun sets I've ever seen. He also sang one non-wrock song to please the Suzanne Collins fans. Let's just say Madeleine almost died with happiness right then and there. His set, his voice, how awesome he was in real life....it just astounded me. He also sang 'Dumbledore' which I had requested via twitter the day before. It rocked my world. I can't express how cool of a person Alex Carpenter is. I appreciate him as a person, an artist, and a nerd. ANYWAYSSSSS...after Alex got off the stage, Brian from Draco and the Malfoys came out and did a fun set. I wasn't really well-informed on their music, but it's always fun to hear a Slytherin's side of things [Swish & Flick was also Slytherin]. He cracked us up and made the set fun.

Then we got to the real main event. Ministry of fucking Magic!!!!! Luke, Jason, Jeremy, Aaron, and Ryan were all ready to end our night with the best experience OF MY LIFE. They played my favorite songs [although I love almost every single song of theirs, so it'd be hard not to play my favorites] and we jumped, jammed, videoed, pictured, and screamed for them. I really have never had so much fun in my entire life, singing along with my favorite songs, seeing them in real life, and being with two of the most awesome girls! They were also throwing out some merch to the crowd and a MoM megaphone soared through the air and landed in my hand like in the movies. I screamed through it [with a hoarse, terrible voice] throughout the rest of their songs, and definitely made the girl in front of me want to cut off her ears or something. The boys [and like all the other wrockers] ended the show with the biggest bang anyone could ever imagine. They said goodnight and left, but I wasn't ready to let them go. I started chanting 'Encore! Encore! Encore!' and guess who peeked their heads out, heard our chanting, and came back out for another amazing song?! That's right, I'm a champ.

After the show, I got my megaphone signed by a bunch of wrockers, talked with Alex and Luke one more time [we got a hug from Alex] and headed out. We headed back to the hotel and we're sitting here now, soaking in the night of awesome that we just experienced.

Basically, my life is complete right now. I'm having the best experiences of my life, and I'm so lucky to be here at all. I'm so excited that I'm getting really into something because I haven't really had one thing that I've wanted to be more interested in more than anything. This is it. This is what I love. And I love it more than anyone knows. :)

Current song: 'Dumbledore'- Alex Carpenter, parody of 'Dynamite' by Tao Cruz

on a better note...

Hey!!

Things have gotten a lot better since Tuesday. I think I'm okay about the dance stuff. My teacher actually wants to give me a solo next semester which is exciting!

I also have a lot to look forward to for the next few months. I leave in about 15ish hours for Atlanta and then Madeleine, Jennie, her parents, and myself will be traveling to New York City for the first time in my life!!!!!!! I'm super excited about seeing the sights, going to the wrock festival, and getting fun experiences!! I'll be back on Tuesday with stories and stuff and I'll have to get to work on school work, audition work, dog sitting, helping Madeleine learn how to drive, and seeing family and friends. Wow. It's going to be an intense week. And I'm just now realizing it. But hopefully it will be tons of fun!!

Last night I stayed up to see the midnight premiere showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I. It. Was. Amazing! I loved it! I have sooo much to say about it, and I don't know if I'll do that in blog or vlog form. Either way, there will be an update. I want to see it again, and I'd be totally willing to see it in IMAX!!

Tonight I get to strike the set for Machinal with most of the theatre department and some others until 2AM OMG AHHHH!!! I'm gonna die! I stayed up until 430am for hp and then 2-3ish for this? This is going to be interesting. And I have to pack for New York and drive Madeleine and myself to Atlanta in the AM. This is going to be funnnn.

I think that's really all I have to say. I just wanted to let you all know that it's gotten better on the emotional front. Thanks for the concern guys!!! Well....gals!

Current song: That's Where You Take Me- Britney Spears
Current bottle of water: 8ish???

please

Well, usually Tuesdays and Thursdays are the easiest way for me to find an outlet. I have jazz class. I have a teacher that kicks my ass in the best way possible. I work hard to improve and to focus on being a good student. No, wait...not a good student. An amazing student. I push myself past my normal limits and I make it my goal to beat whatever I did last week. But for the past few days something's been nagging at my brain. And today it hit me full force. I'll give you a little insight to my flashback:

ASFA. Any year. I'm panting after dancing some ballet combinations in class. We applaud the teacher and the pianist for teaching and playing for us during class. I'm walking towards the dressing room with my friends when I hear my name called. My teacher wants to talk with me in their office. I sit down, hair in a bun, black leotard, pink tights, aching feet.

"Kelly, how are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling fine..."
"Well, I've noticed you've been a little sluggish in classes lately. Is something wrong?"
"No ma'am[or sir]. I feel like I'm trying hard."
"Well have you thought about what you're eating? Have you looked in to changing your diet?"
"uh....."
"I think you should. Especially if you want to make it in the dance world. You weren't planning on becoming a ballet dancer, were you?"
*silence* *hangs head*
"Oh...well you've got a lot of work ahead of you...and it will be tough. Come talk with me more often. We've got a lot to work on."

So....maybe I'm just a crazy girl, but to me, that sounds like I was told [many times...and almost every day in class] that I was too fat and that I would never make it in the dance world, and definitely not in the ballet world. And it killed me. Sometimes I just wanted to go home and let someone who really deserved my spot to be there. But then I thought about leaving my friends, my freedom, and the art world behind and that scared me even more. So I stayed. And I let myself live through that torture for four years. Four years of being a mediocre, fat corps ballet dancer. Never once did I have a solo. Never once was I really truly encouraged. The things that got me through were my friends, my roommate[s], and the people that watched me saying that they could see the passion that I put into my movements, even if it wasn't what it was supposed to look like. And I made it. I graduated, came to Auburn, and started out as a French major.

Then I went to Disney. I remembered why I loved performing. That rush came back, and I needed to be as close to a stage as possible. I needed that background back. So I came back from Disney and switched to the Theatre major. I've been here ever since, and I finally found my place in Auburn. But even my niche in this southern town has it's flaws. Today I remembered. I remembered those four years of being fat and never being really encouraged. Because I know I'm good. I know that I can pick up movement. And I lost fifteen freaking pounds this summer. So why am I still pushed to the back of people's minds? Why am I never remembered? Why am I still Ms. Average Plain Jane? I don't understand. I want it. I want the lead. I want to show the world what I have to offer. I want to dance. So why am I still in the corps? Why am I still not being given the chance to partner?

The saddest part is that all of my old uneasy thoughts came back into my mind: Am I too fat? Do I need to lose weight? What am I doing wrong? How do I fix this? Do I need to be unhealthy again to achieve my goals? Will I ever achieve them? Is this really worth it? Is it worth me bawling my eyes out and getting nothing from trying so hard?

I honestly still don't know. And I'm at a point right now that I need an outlet. I need to let out my frustrations. But my only outlet is dance. And I'm not being given that moment, that chance. Teach me. I want to learn. I want to learn so badly. Please.

very tired

Hello, blog world. How's life?

Great? Good for you! Mine's tiring! I've been through a whirlwind of life and I'm good with that, but the semester is catching up to me and I'm beginning to feel the weight of everything come down on me. I have two tests this week which I desperately need to do well on. I have lots of work to do to even be close to being ready for my New York trip, I have to start thinking about Christmas presents, and I have so many extra things on my plate that I'm just overwhelmed thinking about it.
On the plus side, I got a winter coat finally! And some gloves and a hat, but the coat is niiiice. I want some more scarves to brighten it up since it's black, but I'm just really happy to know that I have a chance of surviving this cold winter!

All in all, this is a short blog post, and I'm really excited about the upcoming months/trips. I'm trying to blog every once in a while so that I can remember that Blog Everyday In April is coming up sooner than I think, and I'd like to be a part of it this year.

Current song-Teenage Dream [Glee Version] Darren Criss
Current bottle of water: 7