stressful revelations

Soo....I'm sitting here backstage at rehearsal waiting for tech to run smoothly and I thought that it was finally time to sit down and write some more about my feelings on me. I've been trying to be honest with myself and have come to some more self-analyzing conclusions. This time it's solely about me and how I do in relationships. Or at least, how I've done so far in the skewed 'non-relationships' in my life.

-I'm high maintenance. I want to be spoiled. I would say that you can blame my daddy for that, but it's really all me. I've turned into such a girly girl recently, but I've always like presents, surprises, and treats. It's taken me a long time to actually admit it [so if you're reading this, you should be proud] but I really expect a lot. I want a fairy tale, or a happily ever after. I've only met one person that's had feelings for me that's really treated me like that. I didn't know that things from the movies could happen like that in real life, so unfortunately for any other boy that might like me, he has a lot of standards to rise to. I know I'm not perfect [seriously, I know more than anyone else] but the guy that really wants to be with me is gonna have to think I'm as close to perfect as possible. I've already admitted that I fall hard and fast whenever I do fall for a guy. I guess what I'm saying is that for once, for ONCE, I'd like to have a guy like me as much as I like him. Because I'm totally willing to do the surprises and the fun adventures right back, as long as I'm shown that he's interested first.

-Basically ever since I've had feelings for guys, I've been shown that I'm a fool who falls for the guy that will never like me half as much as I like him. It's been a problem because unfortunately there are mean guys out there that take advantage of the fact that I like them and use me [mentally, etc] until my heart's been ruined. I've had lots of friends to help me rebuild my pieces, but again, there's only been one guy that's seemed to even come close to liking me as much as I like him. I want him to need me. I want him to depend on me. And most importantly, I want whatever guy that likes me to not take advantage of me. *sigh*

-For me, I have some weird views on relationships. I went in to this a little bit in other entries, but I'm going to attempt to put it all in perspective here. I think that honestly, the guy should be in control of the relationship. That's how society has trained us, and I guess that makes me a puppet to society, but this is just how I feel. I want my happily ever relationship to be like the relationship that my parents have. They still love each other after all of these years, after three kids, after lots of financial and family issues, and they're always there for each other. My mom usually makes the food [trust me, I want to learn more about cooking!] but my dad definitely chips in or will make food for my mom/the family whenever. Both of my parents work, but my dad brings the majority of the money in. My mom deals with the things around the house, my dad deals with his tailgating. I don't know, they have a system and it works. I like the southern way of life even if I don't like living in the south. I just....ahhhhh I want a guy who loves me and will take care of me/protect me/be my everything.

-I want a guy who can have fun. I want a guy that will dance with me when we go out, will sing songs in the car with me on road trips, will go be with my friends as well as introduce me to his friends. I want this guy. I want more than that, and I don't want a guy who controls every aspect of my life, but that's the main gist. I want a guy who's proud to be with me. For me, looks matter in a weird way. I've fallen for every stereotype of guy I can think of. I just think that I have this whole view on guys and I have no idea if it's attainable. Is any of this attainable?

And when I said that I want the guy to be in control, that doesn't mean that I want to be a subservient woman or anything. I want to be hand and hand in the relationship. I think my mindset is that the guy is more of a strength and the girl is more of the...I don't want to say mind....but....the spirit, I guess. That's all I can think of. Does any of this make sense?

EDIT: As I read through all of this, I realized that it sounded like I was completely 100% set on everything boy-wise in my life. That is TOTALLY not the case. My biggest thing is that I want compromise. I want to be able to work through problems together with open lines of communication. I don't want to have to hide anything from that person, and I want to make sure that everyone is happy with the outcome of whatever challenges that arise.
Example: Recently I found out that this so-called perfect guy thought that I wasn't a Christian. Yes, I have a skewed view of all things religion, but really? You couldn't even talk to me and tell me that to my face? I had to find out through a friend? Really? If the lines of communication had been open, then this guy would have found out that I've been so pressured into all things religion throughout my life that it's led me to question everything about the Southern Christian way of life. I'm not denouncing any religion, and I refuse to judge people based on religion, but for me, right now, I'm at a crossroads. I'm still finding out what my religious beliefs are. Spiritually, I'm set. I have my own personal relationship with God. But please, don't judge me when I'm a little cynical towards Christianity that's been skewed and forced upon me by society.
Needless to say from all of this drama, in whatever relationship I'm in, I want to be open with the person. I want them to love me for my faults as much as I love them for theirs. I want them to know that no matter what, I'm willing to work through things. I won't back down, run away, or just stop all communication if something gets rough. I want to be there and know what's going on.
A lighter example of this would be something along the lines of this: I don't like scary movies or anything with lots of gore, blood, violence, yuckiness. I prefer not to watch anything of that sort. It's what makes me hate Lord of the Rings [I know, I know, kill me now...you're all obsessed. hahaha]. But you know what? If a guy says 'Alright, we've watched a ton of chick flicks...I need some manliness back in my life' then I'm perfectly willing to watch a suspense or somewhat action-type movie. I'm not all selfish, people.
Yet another example: If it comes down to it, there is always the compromise of not watching either chick flicks or violent movies by watching something like a normal comedy or episodes of The Office or something. See? I can do compromise.
I think the biggest thing for me is that both people in the relationship are happy. Yes, I can be a needy, clingy, sometimes whiny little baby. But guys can be rude, loud, jerks that are just as selfish. So hopefully this edit makes me sound a little less set in my ways and a little more like I'm ready to have a real relationship. Another edit is that I'm not dead set on having a boyfriend right now. I am having an amazing time being single! I want whatever guy I like to start a relationship naturally. I hate forcing things, I hate planning for things that end up falling through, and I hate that all of this post is going to make me sound like I'm desperate for a boyfriend. I'm not, I just think I finally know myself enough to know what I think I'd want in a relationship.

so...

I'm seriously considering taking a self-imposed long weekend and going down to Florida for a Fri,Sat,Sun,Mon,Tue weekend. I can't afford to miss a Friday because I have labs then, and if I miss one day of each of my classes I think I can survive. Does anyone think that it's a good idea? I've been so stressed out with no kind of outlet for so long. Last time I was cooped up for 6 weeks as an ASM I drank myself silly at the cast party and...I don't think I want to do that. I'd rather be having fun at Disney. But then again, I do need to focus on school and once I'm done with rehearsals that can be my full focus. I'm not sure. Advice?

Current song: I Heart Weasleys-Ministry of Magic
Current HP reference: Kristina doesn't like Hagrid
Bottles of water today? 1 [it's only 8am, don't worry! :)]

question.

Alright, if you've been dating someone for a very long time [like, over 2 years] and the boyfriend has to leave town for school, is it alright for them to spend the weekend with each other? Seriously, it's not like they don't already know enough about each other, it's not like they're always doing something bad....and really, if they wanted to do something bad, they would have found time to do it when they lived in the same town before. I don't see why so many adults freak out about our age kids spending weekends together. Really. Am I crazy, or does this actually make sense? Is there any reason why the parents should be overly concerned? Urrrrgh.

Current song: Teenage Dream-Katy Perry [don't judge! it's my new fave!]
Current HP reference: WWoHP....dying to go!
Number of water bottles today: 9

two posts in one day?!

So...I was having a nice little vent session that I realized could be utilized here just as well. My friend was talking about looking at Auburn stuff and my response was 'oh god...'. It's not that I hate Auburn, really. It's just that this town doesn't hold the same appeal to me as it does to every other person. If I had my way, I'd be off in a big city, doing what I love and learning how to do what I love, and able to see a professional show at the drop of a hat. I'd like to be going away to college, like normal kids, and excited to come home for the holidays. Instead....I'm here. All the time. And it's....not as amazing as people would think.

You see, I'm the kind of person that likes a change of scenery every once in a while. And when I say every once in a while, I mean as often as possible. I don't like to stay too stagnant. I might like that sort of lifestyle later, but for now....I want to get out and go go go. I feel like I'm missing out on things that people don't normally experience. Don't get me wrong...I've loved making the friends that I have here, and I have come to love the things that I do here...but it's not me. I want to be in a place where the arts are more appreciated, where I don't feel so smothered by all these southern values, traditions, and morals. Where it's okay for me to go out and not worry about running into my parents, or where I don't get three phone calls a day from my family asking me to do something or come visit them...because they're two miles away. *sigh*

I'm sorry, but this blog is a place that I always vent to. These are just my thoughts at the moment and I need to get them out. I hope my readers don't hate it!

a short quick post

Order of business #1:
I hate losing friends for idiotic reasons. Especially reasons that include boys. The friendship isn't fully over, but I can't talk to this person anymore because I never see them, hear from them, or worry about them. And every time I do see this person, I get made fun of or picked on, because that's just who this person is. Ever since I got home it's just been going downhill and I'm sad to see it go. But I'm at the point that if people don't want to be my friends, then I just have to get over it. There are people that do love me for who I am. It wouldn't be so bad being picked on if I knew that there was still some decent friendship deep down in there. But I don't see it anymore, and losing sight of that just stinks.

#2:
I've gotten into the habit of hiding my body again. Urgh. You'd think that losing 15 pounds wouldn't be so hard to keep off and feel good about. Wrong. I feel like I'm gaining it back which is a HUGE fear of mine considering I'll get eaten alive by my grandmother if she thinks I've gained weight back. So for now, I'm allowed to be a little conscious about it, a little vulnerable, and a little scared. It's okay for that every once in a while.

Okay, so now that I've wasted an entire afternoon doing absolutely nothing of real worth for school, I must study for the next 45 minutes before rehearsal. Urgh.

Current song: Some Imagination [acoustic]-Skyway Flyer
Current HP reference: chilling in the common room
Current book: none....I might take this portion off until a school break. Sad, I know.

i'm a wimp.

so....i decided not to go to the game today. i know. i know. i've been a good auburn girl my whole life. i just wasn't feeling it today. i'm still watching the game on TV and my tiger boys are doing an AWESOME job. i kinda wish i was there. but if i lost my voice again, i'd be in BIG trouble with Kathleen. and besides....i have a good reason to be all comfy here in my own apt....

jackie!

 

 

 

 

 

 

isn't she the cutest thing ever?! my sister and her boyfriend just got jackie from the opelika vet clinic and she was just going to leave her at our parent's house during the game. i was already feeling iffy about the game so she asked if i wanted to puppy sit. UH....DUH!!!! She's the cutest thing ever!!!


also, my phone is dead. my life sucks. idk what happened or how it's to be fixed, but i want my baby phone BACK!!!

two things

So...creepiness happened a little bit ago. An older guy [was an advisor when I was a youth in church] just got sad about thinking that I was 'off the market'. I am thoroughly creeped out. Thoroughly.

Secondly, I was trying to flip through channels when 'Titanic' popped up on my screen. It's one of those movies that I've only seen once and I'm kinda scared to watch again. Of course, I'm still watching it, even though I caught it when the ship was sinking. It's so hard to watch this, and I can't stop thinking about all of these amazing people that didn't survive. This amazing ship that everyone was so confident about...gone. Just like that. I can't stop thinking about it. It's a miracle to even think of a story like this....I just can't even imagine anyone in their positions.... :(

Current song- My Heart Will Go On [obviously]
Current HP reference- seeing Snape's Patronus
Current book- Theatre Histories: An Introduction