I hate when people are douches.
I hate when people are cowards.
I hate when people are passive agressive.
I hate when people use me.
I hate that I get so angry about these things.
I hate that it's really hard to confront them about it.
I hate that I have these feelings.
I hate that I always have to be the stronger person, the 'big girl' and fix the mess.
I hate that I annoy people.
I hate that after I get used, hurt, humiliated, and rejected, I still have to smile and pretend like everything's okay.
I hate that when opportunity does come, I push it away.
I hate that there are absolutely no opportunities that I see happening in the near future.
I hate that being strong about this is slowly weakening me on the inside.
I still hate that people are cowards.
I hate that I get treated like shit and am expected to be okay with that.
I hate that I'm the one that gets made out to be the bad guy, when it's really them.
I hate that the second something goes wrong, people freak out.
I hate that I can be one of those people.
I hate that there's not one person I can really talk to about this without feeling like shit.
I hate that I keep bringing it up.
But most of all,
I hate that I messed up, I did something wrong, and things didn't happen like I wanted.
Sorry it's such a downer, but I needed to get that off of my chest before I exploded with anger. Screw this. I'm sick of it. I want to punch you, and I'm not a violent person. I want to scream at you, for you to scream back, and for us to finally tell each other what we feel. But then, I want everything to be okay, and I want to be happy....I don't want to hate you. I guess that means it's time to put on my big girl panties and confront the situation like an adult. Something you can't do.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
another long pause
Hey everyone,
Sorry I've been MIA all month. It's been a long and stressful few weeks for me. At first it was all school-related, and then it turned into family crisis' [crises?]. I'm sure you all know by now that my grandfather is in the hospital. Well, he went in for a surgery to remove a supposedly 1-2 month old blood clot from his brain. He came out of his surgery fine [he could remember me, my aunt, and my daddy all by our nicknames] and was doing well, but the clot was found being 6-8 months old. The next day he had a few seizures and was placed into a drug-induced coma to take away the pain. I talked to my dad today and he said that the doctors weren't hopeful for a long-term recovery, although it's still possible. So far, I've given you the facts. Now here are my speculations:
-Although my Poppy loves all of his family dearly, he's lost two wives to cancer. Recently, [and now that the clot was so big we think that might have also been a factor] he's been drinking a lot, visiting the graveyard to see Nan and Mimi, and was acting even more subdued than he already was. I think it's all catching up with him and he's realizing his age more and more now. And I hate that for him because he still has this nice family that cares about him and loves him. Like me. I don't want my Poppy to leave me.
-Since the death of my step-grandmother, he has been solely devoted to family and work. He worked up until last week when he was put in the hospital. My aunt and dad have forcibly retired him [although he doesn't know it] and that's half of who he was...gone. He won't have his freedom anymore, his independence. So I think that it's a big deal to him.
I don't know. I'm really worried about him, and I don't want to lose him, but he's 82. If it's his time, I can understand that. I can get over it. I've been lucky to have him for 20 amazing years of life. This isn't me giving up on him, but I don't know if he really wants to fight anymore...
Anyways, onto another subject. School is getting better now that I have some free time to devote to it. I hope that my grades will start improving and I'm trying to study more. I have so much to catch up on, but I think I can do it.
That was quick.
Another topic: boys. I hate them. But with all this family stuff, I've been longing for a cuddle buddy. As much as I hate myself for it, sometimes I lose my nerve and start to wonder about getting out there and dating again. Not that anyone really wants to date me, but still. I still don't think I'd have time at ALL, and I don't need any other stress in my life, so when I really sit down and wonder I realize that there's no reason for me to date anyone. I just miss the affection sometimes.
I'm pretty positive I'm headed down to Disney again December 10-24. I'm really excited and I have some friends coming too! I'm determined to get some play time in there because I really REALLY want to have some fun down there! I might be staying with the same guy I did this summer, which would be hella convenient and nice of him. And his friends are cool too so it'd be fun to see them all again. :) we'll see what happens, but for now, I just can't wait to get back down there where I don't have to worry about anything...
Well I'm gonna try to do some work and then heading to bed. Hope people still read this!
Current song: Single Ladies- Beyoncé
Sorry I've been MIA all month. It's been a long and stressful few weeks for me. At first it was all school-related, and then it turned into family crisis' [crises?]. I'm sure you all know by now that my grandfather is in the hospital. Well, he went in for a surgery to remove a supposedly 1-2 month old blood clot from his brain. He came out of his surgery fine [he could remember me, my aunt, and my daddy all by our nicknames] and was doing well, but the clot was found being 6-8 months old. The next day he had a few seizures and was placed into a drug-induced coma to take away the pain. I talked to my dad today and he said that the doctors weren't hopeful for a long-term recovery, although it's still possible. So far, I've given you the facts. Now here are my speculations:
-Although my Poppy loves all of his family dearly, he's lost two wives to cancer. Recently, [and now that the clot was so big we think that might have also been a factor] he's been drinking a lot, visiting the graveyard to see Nan and Mimi, and was acting even more subdued than he already was. I think it's all catching up with him and he's realizing his age more and more now. And I hate that for him because he still has this nice family that cares about him and loves him. Like me. I don't want my Poppy to leave me.
-Since the death of my step-grandmother, he has been solely devoted to family and work. He worked up until last week when he was put in the hospital. My aunt and dad have forcibly retired him [although he doesn't know it] and that's half of who he was...gone. He won't have his freedom anymore, his independence. So I think that it's a big deal to him.
I don't know. I'm really worried about him, and I don't want to lose him, but he's 82. If it's his time, I can understand that. I can get over it. I've been lucky to have him for 20 amazing years of life. This isn't me giving up on him, but I don't know if he really wants to fight anymore...
Anyways, onto another subject. School is getting better now that I have some free time to devote to it. I hope that my grades will start improving and I'm trying to study more. I have so much to catch up on, but I think I can do it.
That was quick.
Another topic: boys. I hate them. But with all this family stuff, I've been longing for a cuddle buddy. As much as I hate myself for it, sometimes I lose my nerve and start to wonder about getting out there and dating again. Not that anyone really wants to date me, but still. I still don't think I'd have time at ALL, and I don't need any other stress in my life, so when I really sit down and wonder I realize that there's no reason for me to date anyone. I just miss the affection sometimes.
I'm pretty positive I'm headed down to Disney again December 10-24. I'm really excited and I have some friends coming too! I'm determined to get some play time in there because I really REALLY want to have some fun down there! I might be staying with the same guy I did this summer, which would be hella convenient and nice of him. And his friends are cool too so it'd be fun to see them all again. :) we'll see what happens, but for now, I just can't wait to get back down there where I don't have to worry about anything...
Well I'm gonna try to do some work and then heading to bed. Hope people still read this!
Current song: Single Ladies- Beyoncé
Saturday, October 2, 2010
a long pause
Hello everyone!
Sorry if it's been a while. I've been going nonstop for the past couple of weeks to say the least. But the end is near, and once tomorrow is over, so is my nighttime escape adventure to the theatre every night. [side note: I hate how my computer says that 'theatre' is misspelled. It's a word!!]
As the last couple of weeks came closer, the panic began to settle in. Tech week would be easy, but the week of the show? I had two major tests that I needed to do well on and literally no motivation or time to work on them. I wanted to do well, but every time I got a free moment in my life, I would browse the internet, talk with friends, do anything to get away from the stress of school and theatre. So when Tuesday night arrived, I spent hours in the library preparing for the exam. It went okay...I think. I would be grammatically correct and say that it went well, but well means that I'm proud of it, and with the amount I think I missed, I'm not so sure I will be proud of it. I hope to be, but we'll see. But I do know that I'm not proud of my second test. I needed to be better, and I just wasn't. I don't mean to be a slacker, but when I'm barely getting sleep and worried about grades and jobs and everything else, it's kind of hard to focus on one thing instead of the numerous things I'm supposed to worry about.
So, Friday came and went. The show is over, the tests are over, and my life is [almost] back. I have one more day of strike and my freedom begins. Now, the school things are still looming, but a composition and an outline are much less stressful than two major tests.
How do I put this? I was so stressed out last week that I didn't sleep, put tons of stress on my body, and ended up losing my voice, gaining a monstrous cough, and having zero energy. I had to keep the morale up [because I don't like to be a Debbie Downer during shows] but outside of that, I was in bad shape. I barely made it. Really. Does that give you an idea of how intense my week was?
But I'm done with it, and I only have a few more [I can even count the hours if I want to] days of this time-consuming life before I get a chance to relax a little. I'm letting my sickness have today since I haven't had any time to let this thing run it's course. So I'm sitting here, in my pajamas [at 12:42pm], coughing like a madwoman, and typing to you all for the first time in a couple of weeks. Did you miss me? I missed you!!! I wanted to write soo much but I told myself I needed to be productive....as I continued to play games and surf facebook. *sigh*
I'll be able to write more regularly with news and thoughts again after Monday. Love you all!
Current song: Hummingbird Heartbeat-Katy Perry
Water bottles drank today: 3
Sorry if it's been a while. I've been going nonstop for the past couple of weeks to say the least. But the end is near, and once tomorrow is over, so is my nighttime escape adventure to the theatre every night. [side note: I hate how my computer says that 'theatre' is misspelled. It's a word!!]
As the last couple of weeks came closer, the panic began to settle in. Tech week would be easy, but the week of the show? I had two major tests that I needed to do well on and literally no motivation or time to work on them. I wanted to do well, but every time I got a free moment in my life, I would browse the internet, talk with friends, do anything to get away from the stress of school and theatre. So when Tuesday night arrived, I spent hours in the library preparing for the exam. It went okay...I think. I would be grammatically correct and say that it went well, but well means that I'm proud of it, and with the amount I think I missed, I'm not so sure I will be proud of it. I hope to be, but we'll see. But I do know that I'm not proud of my second test. I needed to be better, and I just wasn't. I don't mean to be a slacker, but when I'm barely getting sleep and worried about grades and jobs and everything else, it's kind of hard to focus on one thing instead of the numerous things I'm supposed to worry about.
So, Friday came and went. The show is over, the tests are over, and my life is [almost] back. I have one more day of strike and my freedom begins. Now, the school things are still looming, but a composition and an outline are much less stressful than two major tests.
How do I put this? I was so stressed out last week that I didn't sleep, put tons of stress on my body, and ended up losing my voice, gaining a monstrous cough, and having zero energy. I had to keep the morale up [because I don't like to be a Debbie Downer during shows] but outside of that, I was in bad shape. I barely made it. Really. Does that give you an idea of how intense my week was?
But I'm done with it, and I only have a few more [I can even count the hours if I want to] days of this time-consuming life before I get a chance to relax a little. I'm letting my sickness have today since I haven't had any time to let this thing run it's course. So I'm sitting here, in my pajamas [at 12:42pm], coughing like a madwoman, and typing to you all for the first time in a couple of weeks. Did you miss me? I missed you!!! I wanted to write soo much but I told myself I needed to be productive....as I continued to play games and surf facebook. *sigh*
I'll be able to write more regularly with news and thoughts again after Monday. Love you all!
Current song: Hummingbird Heartbeat-Katy Perry
Water bottles drank today: 3
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