So, let's just forget my stupid little freak out yesterday, shall we? Let's talk about maturity and me. Because this blog is about me and my thoughts on things.
I haven't really said this to many people, but I've started realizing something about myself. Every time I find a solid goal to focus on, I realize that it's probably a more challenging choice rather than an easier one. Yes, I'd like to get the easy way on most of my schoolwork, but when I really get invested in to an idea, I see later that it's a tough one and that if I really want it, there will be a lot of work for me to achieve it.
It started with dance. Now, if you don't know me, then you can't picture me. But for those of you who do know me, you know that I am not a prima ballerina body type. I wanted to be for so long, and I did a few stupid things to try to get that way, but I realized that I'm not. I'm still average, plain, and okay at dancing, but I'm not cut out for the classical world.
Then I got in to theatre and realized that stage managing might be of interest to me. Now this idea is still in my mind, so I'm hoping that I'm still cut out for this job, but either way, we'll see.
These two main ideas are things that require a lot of discipline, focus, drive, and passion. I'm not saying that other arts and careers don't require those things, but dance and stage management have proved to be harder than any other thing I've tried. And not many people understand that. I'm constantly having to put on a brave face, pretend like nothing's wrong, and keep everything to myself. I can't vent about things that upset me, I can't throw in the towel just because it's hard. I'm dedicated and stuck with this. I have to see this through.
I'm not a quitter. I don't like things to fizzle out. I get over it, sure, but I like to give things a real dedicated chance. I gave dance a chance, and it's still a huge part of my life. I gave stage management a chance and have been nominated for an award because of it. I try to be good at everything that I do even though I feel shitty at a lot of things that I try. But I'm learning that no one can be perfect. I think an underlying idea in my mind is that I've never felt superior at something. I've never felt like the best. The one that people look up to. Maybe one day I'll find that, but for now, I'll keep searching...
Current song - I'll See Her There - Skyway Flyer
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