family (BEDA Day 9)

Alright, let's have some real talk. Some venting from me.

I love my family. They're great, really. But when people that you really REALLY care about make you feel unwanted and unhappy it's painful. My whole life I grew up in the dance world where I was told almost every day that I would never make it because of my size. As if that wasn't bad enough, someone in my family would always have to bring me down in one way or another at the same time, usually about my size or how I looked, or what my diet was.

I got lucky. I escaped from my house when I was 14 by going to art school. It was an amazing opportunity and my parents were really sweet and generous to let me leave. It actually made my relationship with my mom wayyyy better than it ever would have been if I had stayed.

Well now I'm in college. I'm a big girl. I'm dancing a little less, I have less of a weight issue externally, and I'm getting along better with my family now than I have in the past. Sounds good, right?

Wrong.

There are some days, like today, that make me want to scream or cry because my family really doesn't know who I am. My big kid assignment of the year is that I have to file for taxes. My family has been saying that I can do them with the help of the parents but every single time that I try to work it all out, they blow me off. I asked my dad about it and he said that it wasn't a good night. Okay, that's fine. I'm not upset about that. I'm upset that my dad, the one person in my family whose opinion I value the most, said it in a way that made me feel like I was this huge burden on his life. And then didn't invite me to what I know is a family dinner at their house. He might have said that because he knew I wouldn't want to eat cole slaw and hot dogs, but couldn't he at least ask?

As much as I've always wanted to get away from my family I am kind of an oxymoron in ways because I want them to try to include me. In decision-making, in family time....it'd be nice. And I feel like they're shunning me sometimes. Yes, I'm the opposite of any child you ever thought you would have. Yes, I would rather be a thousand miles away living my own life and being free. But why do you make me feel like I'm not wanted sometimes.

Maybe I'm just being really sensitive about this right now, and especially because it's my daddy who I enjoy the most, but it hurts. Having tears in my eyes is not how I wanted to spend a Saturday evening. It's really my own fault for getting so worked up about this, but I'm an overdramatic theatre major. What do you expect? *sigh*

I guess I'll start letting it go now...




I think another reason why it hurts so much is because it also seems like other important adults in my life are blowing me off like this too right now. I just feel really unimportant to the people that I'm trying to look up to, respect, and make a good impression on. I work all the time to earn the degree that daddy wants me to have, or to show someone that I have talent and that being looked at isn't a crime, and I'm getting negative feedback. I just hope it's all worth something some day and that they'll respect me later. It all has to be worth something, right?

Again, I'm glad I have this blog to vent to, because I feel like this rant was a little spoiled girl getting angry at the world and that it's really not worth anyone's time. I'm going to stretch out my back now because with those tears, my back tensed up and it's not a good feeling.

Current song - Breathe Again - Sara Bareilles