family (BEDA Day 9)

Alright, let's have some real talk. Some venting from me.

I love my family. They're great, really. But when people that you really REALLY care about make you feel unwanted and unhappy it's painful. My whole life I grew up in the dance world where I was told almost every day that I would never make it because of my size. As if that wasn't bad enough, someone in my family would always have to bring me down in one way or another at the same time, usually about my size or how I looked, or what my diet was.

I got lucky. I escaped from my house when I was 14 by going to art school. It was an amazing opportunity and my parents were really sweet and generous to let me leave. It actually made my relationship with my mom wayyyy better than it ever would have been if I had stayed.

Well now I'm in college. I'm a big girl. I'm dancing a little less, I have less of a weight issue externally, and I'm getting along better with my family now than I have in the past. Sounds good, right?

Wrong.

There are some days, like today, that make me want to scream or cry because my family really doesn't know who I am. My big kid assignment of the year is that I have to file for taxes. My family has been saying that I can do them with the help of the parents but every single time that I try to work it all out, they blow me off. I asked my dad about it and he said that it wasn't a good night. Okay, that's fine. I'm not upset about that. I'm upset that my dad, the one person in my family whose opinion I value the most, said it in a way that made me feel like I was this huge burden on his life. And then didn't invite me to what I know is a family dinner at their house. He might have said that because he knew I wouldn't want to eat cole slaw and hot dogs, but couldn't he at least ask?

As much as I've always wanted to get away from my family I am kind of an oxymoron in ways because I want them to try to include me. In decision-making, in family time....it'd be nice. And I feel like they're shunning me sometimes. Yes, I'm the opposite of any child you ever thought you would have. Yes, I would rather be a thousand miles away living my own life and being free. But why do you make me feel like I'm not wanted sometimes.

Maybe I'm just being really sensitive about this right now, and especially because it's my daddy who I enjoy the most, but it hurts. Having tears in my eyes is not how I wanted to spend a Saturday evening. It's really my own fault for getting so worked up about this, but I'm an overdramatic theatre major. What do you expect? *sigh*

I guess I'll start letting it go now...




I think another reason why it hurts so much is because it also seems like other important adults in my life are blowing me off like this too right now. I just feel really unimportant to the people that I'm trying to look up to, respect, and make a good impression on. I work all the time to earn the degree that daddy wants me to have, or to show someone that I have talent and that being looked at isn't a crime, and I'm getting negative feedback. I just hope it's all worth something some day and that they'll respect me later. It all has to be worth something, right?

Again, I'm glad I have this blog to vent to, because I feel like this rant was a little spoiled girl getting angry at the world and that it's really not worth anyone's time. I'm going to stretch out my back now because with those tears, my back tensed up and it's not a good feeling.

Current song - Breathe Again - Sara Bareilles

quick post!! (BEDA Day 8)

Crazy quick post today because I'm getting ready for a 21st birthday party with some friends of mine! The theme is 'what you wanna be when you grow up' so I am dressing up as a kid!! Obviously, that fits me so well and I'll be comfy all night!!

Since I'm newly 21 I feel like all I want to do is go out on the weekends and have fun. It's not like I'm getting crazy drunk all the time, but I do enjoy not having the boundaries and when it comes down to it I REALLY enjoy going out and dancing. Who doesn't, right??

So I guess this isn't a long post at all, but I'm keeping it up! I hope everyone else is having a good weekend!

Current song - We R Who We R - Ke$ha

slow internet is not nice to me (BEDA Day 7)

I am typing this on my roommate's computer because my internet and my computer has decided to be SUPER slow ever since the crazy tornado storm on Monday night! Grrrr

In other news, this is my Friday! I am now very glad about that, but earlier today I was NOT a happy camper. I've decided to get past that and move on towards this weekend. I took Matt back to his truck in Montgomery and actually had the courage to sing in front of Matt and Madeleine. For those of you who don't know, it's kind of a fear of mine: singing in front of people. I'm getting a little more used to singing for Madeleine, but confidence is a HUGE issue because I'm nowhere close to being as good as her and all I hear around me is perfection. I have a perfectionist complex about dancing, SMing, and now singing. I need to do them well. I want to succeed and excel at all three of those things, along with many others. So for now, singing in front of my best friend scares the hell out of me.

I am heading to bed with the goal of staying asleep until 9:20am and only waking up to get ready for my solo dance lesson, then doing some SM work and some homework so I can enjoy both this weekend and my next week with Matt back in town again. I have so much going through my head that a good night's sleep is the only thing I want to think about anymore. I don't need drama, I want to be myself, independent, and free to do whatever I please. I need to get out of here. But only a few more weeks til I get to escape for 7-10 days and then back here to the old grind. WHAT?! NO KELLY! I need to focus on finishing this semester before I start thinking about this summer or more schooling!!!!

Going to bed. Someone give me something to talk about!!

Current song - Take Me or Leave Me - Rent soundtrack [the song I could sing in front of Madeleine :) ]

rolling with the punches (BEDA Day 6)

Today has been the day from hell. I almost had another huge panic attack (it would have been the second this semester which is insane to me) and I was so pissy, bitchy, and mad all day. I could barely smile and everyone was noticing how off I was all day. I'm sitting here falling asleep at 10pm again and everyone is telling me to go to bed.

I finished my huge theatre history assignment this morning and got it prepared to submit to my professor, but I can't stop there because I have a biology test tomorrow and I just DON'T CARE!!!! I'm losing my voice due to stress, gaining weight because I'm a fatty and pigging out all the time, and I have barely looked at my notes. Ahhhhh!!

Let's just hope that this weekend brings some HAPPY blog posts for once! I'm sorry for venting so much, but BEDA is really helping me vent right now! I think I've needed this and I think I'm definitely going to keep this up just because I feel bad for telling my friends all of my stressors.

Current song-Fuck You - Cee Low Green

my day (BEDA Day5)

It's already 5 days in to April already and I am EXHAUSTED!! For real I just typed a bunch of those E's without it and I can't think straight so I guess that means again no homework because Kelly can't get through the day. I'm sorry that this blog is so short but if I don't get sleep then I won't be able to function at all tomorrow. Soo goodnght everyone! Sleep well

Current song-Too Far - Kylie Minogue

Well it's a good thing I didn't have anything planned...

So....I'm typing this on Matt's iPad, yessssss! I went to pick him up after classes today and now we are sitting here watching the game :) I'm not in to sports at all but buffalo wild wings is his place to watch games so I don't mind tagging along for some good food. I have some assignments this week and I've already told him that I'm not gonna be much fun this week but he's coming back next week and I will be able to hang out a lot more then.

I got corrected and complimented both in ballet and my voice lesson this morning so I'm really excited to be improving and moving forward with my performance studies as well as taking on the stage management tasks that I am. It's making me feel very well rounded and I like that about myself.

That's all for today everyone! Talk to you all tomorrow!

Current song-all I do is win win win no matter what!!!!

Intro to Me (BEDA Day 3)

Hello ladies and gents!!

Since nothing super interesting happened today I thought I'd share a little more about myself, starting with me as a child.

A fun fact about me is that I didn't start talking til I was about 3 years old. I had the ability, and I could have if I had wanted to, but my sister was a perfect translator for me so I guess I just didn't see the point in it. On the other hand, my dad has said many times that once I chose to start talking I never stopped. Thanks for that, Daddy. :)

I started dancing before I started walking and so on my 3rd birthday the natural thing to do was put me into ballet classes. I've been dancing ever since and it became the first real passion in my life. I later went on to audition and attend the Alabama School of Fine Arts in Birmingham [where I lived in the dorms] for high school majoring in dance. I danced 3-5 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. Before high school I did everything from ballet to Irish dancing. I love all types of dancing....and when I say love, I mean it. I get a little sick of it every now and then but in the end I'd rather be dancing than anything else in the world. It makes me sooo happy!


Another obsession of mine is definitely Disney. I love everything Disney and if you know me, then that's the first thing you probably hear about. I now work at Disney World, but before that I loved all of the movies and chose the best princess as my favorite: Belle. I really don't have much more to say about Disney except that I could go on and on for days about it so I'd better stop now!

Now that I'm in college I'm a theatre major [I wish we had a dance major....alas] and I hope to take my performance studies to Disney in the future to work there wherever I can find a decent job. Since I'm not much of an actor, and my singing won't be more than average, I started looking in to another aspect of theatre: stage management. I've really started to enjoy it. Stage management is basically being the middle man and the person to run a stage production. I've only been an Assistant Stage Manager before, so this upcoming fall I've taken on my first Stage Management position and it has already started to be a handful. I'm learning a lot about all aspects of the theatre because of stage management and it is giving me an even better understanding of what it takes to create a show.

My last big obsession [because apparently this post has become more about obsessions than myself] is Harry Potter. Now, I'm not to my friend Madeleine's level of obsession, but I'm much more into Potter than many people I know. I grew up reading these books since the fourth grade. I've always been an avid reader, so this just made me want to read all the time. I went to book release parties, midnight movie showings, and this summer I will attend my second Harry Potter conference. I have flown to New York City solely for a wizard rock concert. Yes, I am a freak. Yes, I enjoy being a freak. Yes, I love Potter. So there you go.

If there is something in particular you would like to know about me, comment. Let me know what else I can tell you about myself. I'm pretty open about telling people about me and I'd love to share anything that my readers want me to.

I'm not ready for this week but I'm ready for school to be over so I'll hope that these last four weeks go by quickly and successfully!

Goodbye for now!

Current song-Summer of '09- ALL CAPS