Let's be real, guys. At the end of the day, no one gives a crap about me. I'm really tired of caring about people so much and getting absolutely nothing in return. I'm really sick of having no one around me that wants me to be happy. I want to go home. People love me, people give a shit, and most of all, people smile when they see me.

I used to be a good person. People used to actually be excited to be around me. So what happened? Did I suddenly grow fangs and spit fire? No. People just get meaner and more cruel and in general just care about themselves. And I can't be this person anymore. I can't be the one that keeps getting hurt. I don't know how to guard myself, but I have to try. Because this hurts too much.

Self-reflection

It's about time I utilize this blog again. I've been thinking about writing here for weeks, but those thoughts usually occur while I'm driving to work or while I'm in the shower. Neither are very conducive to getting my thoughts out to the world.

So much has happened this year that I cannot even begin to describe it. Instead of filling you in on those things, I am here to write what's been on my mind recently. I have had a lot of self-reflection over the past few weeks: ending a relationship does that to a person. While I know that it was the right thing to do, I was left with not only thoughts, but doubts about myself as well. Was I not pretty enough? Did I demand too much? A lot of little things that I get nervous about increased tenfold when it happened. Just six months ago I was the happiest with myself that I've ever been in my life...so why are all these doubts creeping up on me again? So let's see if I can analyze myself a little bit in writing to help sort out the jumble of thoughts in my head. You guys know I like lists...well here goes one. And if it's negative towards me, then so be it.

1) I care too much.
- This is probably the biggest bullet point I'll have. When I meet people, I automatically want to know their life story. I want to see if I can find common ground with them. I want to know them. I care so much sometimes that it overwhelms people. Maybe it's just me, but I feel that in today's society we are trained to care less about others and more about ourselves and I don't know that I've ever fully understood why. Of course I am very selfish sometimes, but when it comes to emotional connections, I need to be able to be there for others. I like being able to pick up the phone and text about 10 different people and know that they will respond within an hour. I care so much that it gets to be detrimental. When I get to know someone I share as much as I can with them. It seems like I'm spilling my life story and trusting them with it right off the bat, but that is not the case. In reality, I'm telling them the simple stuff, the mindless stuff. When I truly let my guard down, that's when people start to back away.

2) I am too demanding.
- I know this about myself. With all of the attention I like, it's not surprising. I care so much, and I give so much, and I love my friends so much....I just like having attention back. And sometimes it's hard for me to realize that not everyone can handle that much of a person. I could happily spend all day with my friends and never be bored or unhappy, but people need space...and I'm not good at giving that. I've gotten better, but it usually comes down to the fact that I need so much from people that they just walk away because they can't give it to me. It leaves me wondering what I did wrong before I realize that I always do the same thing wrong. I'm too attached, too "there" for people.

3) I actually want love from others.
- Today's world feels that they have to work constantly in order to be any sort of comfortable. People think that they don't deserve true happiness. Well, I have seen more successful and happy marriages that have made it 50 years than most of my friends, and let me tell you, it's worth it. It's possible. People shouldn't have to worry about the person that they're with. They shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells to make sure that the other person is happy. When people become best friends, then decide to take that next step, that's when it makes sense. Relationships are supposed to be easy. And they don't just fall apart in one second either. There is a turning point and someone's mindset changes. In my world, the other person changes their mind. Things start off great, there are connections made, and then they back away. I end up being too childish, too needy, or just too there. And they don't want that. They want a challenge, or someone to demand attention from. They don't think they need love and affection. Well, I do. I need someone that cares about me just as much as I care about them.
- Why do people want a challenge? Why can't things just go smoothly and keep going smoothly? And why, at the end of the day, am I the one that is always left knowing that the potential was there and that I was the one to destroy it because I still cared?

4) I have potential.
- I don't see it yet. I don't think it right now. But I know I do. It's somewhere, and I have to dig around again to find it I guess. I bring a smile to peoples' faces every day, and yet when it comes to making myself smile, it's really hard.

**NOTE**: I would like to point out that throughout all of this, my work life is going extremely well. All of these bullet points have been on a purely emotional level. I have opportunities coming every day, and I take them. But I'm working on finding opportunities within myself.

5) I need to get out of my shell a little more.
- I know that I'm a girly girl who is a sucker for happily ever afters in all aspects of life. What I need is a reality check. Happily ever afters come from hard work and dedication. I will create my own if I must, but I need to remind myself of reality, even if that comes in the form of "manning up" and watching scary/action movies, listening to country music, or learning something new. I'm sick of being the girl that people take advantage of or the girl that is too nice. I need my protective armor back and I don't need anyone's help getting it this time. I will create a life that I deserve and I will make it so desirable that people will care again. Not because I need them to, but because I want to inspire others. And throughout all of that, I will still be there for them because I will still care. So there!

I think that's all I've got right now. I just really needed to get all of this off of my chest.

phew. this place.

I was told by my best friend in the entire world that I needed to start blogging, and I realized how much I missed the release that writing in a blog can be for me. As much as I feel like I'm a terrible writer, I know that the act of writing paragraphs about my life feels good. So, here it goes.

This internship is amazing. I'm not sure how much I can/should say, but I'm loving it. I've been mainly at Magic Kingdom, learning to use many different types of lifts, and meeting some amazing people. I have learned 2 positions so far: stilts and audio for the parades/street shows in Magic Kingdom. I've also been able to shadow positions at the castle show and some places in a pixie dust trail.

As much as this internship has started what I hope to be an amazing Disney career, there is an underlying feeling that is nagging at me. I have so much history in this town, and so many reminders of negative feelings or negative events in my life. I'm sick of reminders about the horrible decisions I made, all the things I did wrong, and how stupid I am/was. All it reminds me of is how much time I wasted on pointless things.

And then I thought about it, how much time do we all waste thinking about things that are dead and gone to us? How much do we fixate on things that we wanted to do differently? It's an ongoing struggle with me, and I'm slowly trying to remind myself that not only is it unhealthy for me to remember these events so constantly, but also that the brainwashing that the people from these memories did to me cannot change my views on life in general. I have become so desensitized to people that it's become a lot harder for me to make friends. I push away everyone that tries to get close to me, and yet I crave human attention and affection. I have to learn that I am worth something.

So that's me as of late.

My first day!

I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to talk about when it comes to my new job. What I can say is that I'm super excited about all of the opportunities I'm going to get with this internship. It has a lot to offer and so much experience...and it's all with Disney! The one company that I really want to be with and I'm getting a chance to work here...again! I'm ready for the challenge and I really think I'm going to be a stronger person because of this job. :) :)

I have arrived!

I'm back! I start a five month long internship with Walt Disney World in the Entertainment Tech department....tomorrow. I start tomorrow. That's right, I'm a college graduate and I have a paying job [for at least 5 months] that I'm hoping to turn in to a full time gig once I'm finished. I found myself a couple of roommates, I'm living about 20 minutes away, and I'm happy as a clam. I am really enjoying Florida life so far, but I am already dreading the summer. It is January 13 and over 80 degrees outside. But the internship starts with a promise of learning how to operate lifts, shadowing stage managers and lighting technicians, as well as great work experience. We can say that I'm slightly excited, but in reality I am giddy and scared all at the same time. I'm determined to prove my self-worth and grab someone's attention before this five months is up.

Well that's all I wanted to say. I might post again soon but I've missed writing about my life.

Birthdays, BEDA Day 10

It just so happens to be the birthday of the most important man in my life. Happy Birthday, daddy. I love you so much.

When you think about it, celebrating the birth of someone's life is amazing. Considering that our world's population is growing far too rapidly and diminishing far too slowly, I am still amazed how much joy one birth can bring to this world. Whether it's actually giving the birth, holding your significant other's hand while they push, or being the doctor/midwife/doula that can bring a child in to this world...birth is a wonderful thing.

And not just the birth, but the living. The learning to walk, talk, eat on your own. Then the growing, the running, learning to ride a bike. Then driving, singing with friends in the car, taking roadtrips. And right on up to college, graduation, and making a name for yourself in the world. Maybe your life didn't happen exactly like that. Maybe your life was interrupted with something else. Maybe you felt life pass by too quickly when you watched your mother suffer through colon cancer. Your father with dimensia. But you might have also gotten to see your wife's hair grey, your children grown healthy and happy, and your sister married to someone perfect for her, even if she was 40 years old at the time.

Life is something to be celebrated, remembered, and rejoiced. Life is something that amazes me every day. And while my daddy saw and did all of those things, I am so glad to know that I'll get to see him do much more in the years to come. Happy 60th birthday, daddy. I love you with all my heart, and thank you for giving me so much to look up to, look forward to, and to just look at.

Current song - You'll Be in My Heart - Phil Collins

Stress, BEDA Days 7-9

Why yes, I am putting days together this month. I find it the only way to keep sane.

As the school year approaches [and my last semester of college] I have found that I am more stressed than I've ever been before. I find myself longing for two planners just to keep all of my dates straight, and I'm scared that 24 pencils and 12 pens that I bought are simply not going to be enough for all the notes and lists that I will be making over the next four months. I have also been given tons of work to begin and have had about 4 meetings with various theatre people for shows I will be working with.

And then I think about it. Why do I get so stressed out? Am I putting too much pressure on myself, or is it simply because I procrastinate too much? This semester is going to be different because I don't get a break. I will be in rehearsal, on my game, all semester. I don't have a moment to breathe, much less lose my cool. My title of stage manager requires keeping my head up, my chin down, and everyone, myself included, calm and happy throughout the rehearsal process. So I'm taking vitamins, I'm going on walks/runs to relieve stress, and for these last few days of summer, I'm getting away from Auburn to make certain that I don't lose my cool before classes start. I wouldn't have taken on this many responsibilities unless I knew I could handle it. Well, I might need a drink every night, but I really think that I can do this.

What does everyone else do to relieve stress? I don't have anything to punch, and I don't want to rant on here about nothing important, so I run.

Current song - Super Trooper - Mamma Mia! soundtrack